I'm Losing You, I'm Losing Half of Me
by wrecking
Summary: Edward and Jacob wanted to be together for ever, but didn't understand the repercussions of this promise. It's twenty years in the future and Jacob's body is ragged from morphing longer than he should have. Edward/Jacob Slash
1. Chapter 1

Edward is lying beside Jacob, running his fingers through his hair and consuming yet another book. Jacob stirs slightly and he looks down at him. It's another nightmare and it bursts into Edward's head.

Jacob morphing into his wolf form, then ripping apart and falling into pieces on the ground.

Edward is pulling at Jacob's hair and doesn't realize until Jacob screams his name and his eyes flash open.

"What are you doing?!" Jacob rubs his head and twists his face, "You nearly scalped me! Jesus!"

Edward closes his eyes again and opens them slowly, looking to the side. Jacob takes his face in his hands and makes their eyes meet. "What is it? What's wrong?"

Edward kisses him, dropping his book and holding Jacob tightly against him. Jacob presses against his chest and Edward leans back.

"Was I having the nightmare again?"

Edward nods and Jacob's face falls. Edward kisses him on the forehead and whispers, "It's ok. It wasn't as bad this time. You don't remember it?"

Jacob shakes his head and Edward kisses his forehead again, pulling his face to rest against his chest.

These nightmares are happening much too frequently and Jacob is lying when he says he doesn't remember them. Edward knows this, but would never call him on it. He knows Jacob has his own reasons.

---

It's the third day that Jacob has spent in bed. He's not eating, not really even sleeping or resting. Edward stays with him constantly, never leaving his side. He hums to him, recites stories, anything to try and calm him enough to sleep. Nothing works; Jacob's body won't allow him to rest anymore.

"Edward…" Jacob's voice isn't even audible enough to register as a whisper. Edward cranes down to look Jacob in the face, seeing the tears, wondering how long he's been crying.

"Edward… tell me the story about the wolf again. You know.. the one that ate too much," Jacob laughs, but it's quietly sad.

Edward smiles slightly and nods, "I remember."

Jacob adjusts himself and groans against Edward when he twists a little too much. Edward holds him tight against his chest, slouching in the bed to hold him properly.

Edward looks down at Jacob and sees the tears still falling down his cheeks. He begins the story, trying to keep his voice light.

"iA wolf, once upon a time, caught a fox…"/i

---

"Jake… just listen to me. iPlease./i" Edward's voice hushed and worried.

Jacob sits up from the bed, glaring, "No. I'm not talking about it. This is my decision, Edward."

Edward crosses the room, his arms around his middle, "You are falling apart, Jake. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Do you see the person you've become?" He pinches at the skin on Jake's arm. "You're like a ghost. A skeleton. Jake... I can't watch you do this to yourself."

Edward gets down on his knees, in front of the bed, he folds his hands in his lap and is trying to beg and plead with all he can muster, "I'll be fine, Jake. You're killing yourself to be with me and… Jake… I can't let you do this anymore."

Jacob stands and pushes Edward back, "You don't fucking get it, do you? I'd rather be how I am now, barely able to get out of bed to do the one thing I ihave/i to do to continue this charade, than to... to..." At this Jacob begins to fall and Edward catches him.

"Jake…" Edward holds Jacob against him and can feel the wet, hot tears staining his shirt again.

He's sure by now that Jacob has cried enough for both of them.

---

The doorbell rings and Jacob looks at Edward confused. Edward frowns and gets up, going downstairs to answer the door. Jacob growls his frustration loudly when he catches the scents. He struggles to get to the edge of the bed and Edward shows up in the doorway, arms crossed and looking like a guilty child.

Jacob spits his words, "Why did you fucking call them?"

Edward crosses the room, trying to help Jacob up but Jacob pushes him back, nearly falling to the floor. "I'm fine," he moaned.

Edward stands there, feeling so guilty, but knowing this is the only way to get Jacob to see what is happening.

Edward helps Jacob against his wishes, practically carrying him down the stairs to the living room. When Jacob's eyes meet his former pack members, a gasp escapes his lips. He's not seen them in decades, not since they decided to stop morphing and he and Edward moved away. All of them are weathered, wrinkles showing years of happy memories on their faces. He doesn't even recognize any of them, but when Sam speaks, he knows these are his former friends, his former brothers.

"Jake… we.. Edward called me and.. look. We need to talk about this, okay?" Sam shifts in the chair he sits in.

Edward sits Jacob down in a chair across from Embry and Embry nods at him, smiling sadly.

Jacob is vaguely aware of everyone else, keeping his focus on Sam.

Sam's gaze goes to Paul and Paul tries to look up at Jacob, but looks past his shoulder instead, head down. "Fucking hell, Jake. We're fucking worried about your dumb ass, you know? You'll fucking end up like Quil and shit, man."

Jacob's head pops up at the mention of Quil. "What do you mean.. end up like Quil? Hes just like I am. He's still morphing for Leah."

The whole room hushes and Jacob is looking at everyone. Embry won't meet his eyes, Jared hasn't even moved since Jacob came downstairs.

"Wait.. what happened? What's wrong?"

Sam lifts himself from the chair and walks toward Jacob, kneeling in front of him, taking his hand. "Quil… he passed away, Jake."

Jacob lifts from the chair and Sam steps back. Paul is up and by Sam's side, ready to hold Jacob back if he has to. "What do you mean? He's not idead/i. Leah would have called me. I just talked to him... a… while ago." He stops, realizing it's been at least a month. Time has moved like a bullet train and he's collapsing into the chair without even meaning to. "He can't be... what happened to him?"

Paul speaks up before Sam can, "It fucking got to him, Jake. You can't fucking morph forever. It fucking gets to you after a while. Shit."

Jacob buries his head in his hands and Edward sits next to him on the arm of the chair. He puts his arms around Jacob and he shoves him off.

"Don't fucking touch me. All of you. Why didn't anyone call me? It's not like I'm out traveling abroad?" A sob tears through his chest and he clutches at it. "He's my best fucking friend and none of you could pick up a phone to let me know? Fuck all of you."

Jacob looks at Embry, "Not even you." He stands again, holding the chair roughly. "I know we don't see each other, but that's your decision. I can't come see you. You know that." He looks around the room, trying to catch any sets of eyes and only meets Paul's. "You know how close Quil and I are… were… and you… you…" He falls back into the chair and he's crying so hard, he can barely talk. "I want all of you gone."

Jacob looks back at Edward who was sitting silently in a chair by the door. "I want to go upstairs."

Edward is at his side at once, helping him up from the chair and to the stairs.

Jacob glares at everyone before he starts to climb the stairs, frowning when he sees Jared is crying. He opens his mouth to say something but decides against it.

When Jacob is upstairs, he settles into bed and stops Edward from sitting next to him. "I need to be by myself."

Edward nods and closes the door behind him. He gets a chair, sitting it by the door and puts his head in his hands. He hears something clatter against the wall and then Jacobs' thoughts are in his head.

iGet out. Get out of the house./i

Edward rises and walks down the stairs. When he starts the car he hears Jacob again.

iThis doesn't change anything./i

---

It's a week later and Jacob still won't let Edward anywhere near him. Edward leaves to hunt and when he gets back, Jacob is naked and crying on the front porch.

"Jake… Jake.. what happened?"

Jacob doesn't even react to his voice and Edward picks him up. He kicks the front door in, going upstairs to put Jacob in the bath.

Jacob's eyes are closed and the circles under them are black as coal.

"Jacob. Look at me. What happened?" Edward turns on the water, the sound making Jacob jump.

The water starts to fill the tub and Jacob's eyes meet Edward's. He sees the pain, sees everything in them. Jacob's thoughts float through the air and Edward feels like he's going to collapse.

The images flood him. Jacob morphing and running through the dense forest behind their house, his legs failing him, his body crashing forward. He gets up, whining and barking, he sees Quil's face and howls loudly. He starts to run again, toppling to the ground after a few strides. He curls up into a ball and morphs back, crying and shaking. All he sees is Quil's face, sees him dying, hears their laughter as they'd jump off cliffs together.

He watches Jacob stand, leaning against a tree and walking a few steps before falling. Jacob continues, walking and faltering against the rocks and tree roots.

Edward takes his face in his hands and Jacob can't even keep his eyes open. "You're stopping this. You're not doing this anymore. I don't care if I have to chain you down. I won't let you do this to yourself anymore. It's not worth it. I'm not worth this, Jake."

Jacob opens his mouth but his voice won't even make a sound. His eyes roll upward, asking Edward to listen to him.

iYou're worth it, Edward. I'm fine. I can do this./i

"You're not ifine/i, Jake! You can't even walk a few steps… I have to force you to eat, you scream out in your sleep like you're being murdered. And you can't even… you… you don't smile anymore, Jake."

Jacob falls forward and starts to cry. He's not even making a sound, his voice gone. But Edward sees his shoulders shaking, and he lifts him back up. He gets in the tub, clothes on and straddles Jacob.

"Please. iPlease, Jake/i. Stop. For me. Please just stop."

Jacob cries in Edward's shoulder and Edward rocks him, holding him tight.

"I love you, Jake. I love you, I love you. Please stop."

Jacob sits back, his eyelids barely opening to look at Edward. He leans forward, kissing Edward's lips and his thoughts break Edward into two.

iI promised you as much of forever as I could manage. I'm not giving up yet./i

"Fuck, Jake. You're so fucking stubborn." He takes him by the shoulders and looks him in the eyes, intensely. "You're no good to me like this. You're barely even an empty shell. Can't you seen that you're hurting me doing this to yourself? I can't watch this Jake. I can't. I refuse to."

iBut… I love you./i

Edward is feeling the tightness in this middle again and flinches at the familiarity. "I love you too. But, this isn't even a matter of choice anymore. You're going to stop. No more. Promise me."

iI can't, Edward. Please./i

"Promise me, Jake."

Jacob starts to shake under Edward and he sits back. Edward takes his face, kissing him hard. "No, Jake. Don't. Please don't."

Jacob's shaking gets even worse and Edward jumps out of the tub just in time when the snap echoes against he bathroom walls. Jacob bares his teeth and Edward stares at him, shocked.

iThis is who I am now, Edward. This is what I am./i

Edward surveys him, having not seen Jacob in wolf form years, at Jacob's request. Jacob's fur is knotted and discolored, the reddish hues gone, replaced by black and grey. His skin barely hangs off his bones, his snout mangled with scars. Edward wraps his arms around himself and frowns. He turns his head, he can't even look at him.

iWhat? Don't love me anymore? This is who I am, Edward. /i

Edward approaches him, laying his hand on Jacob's head. "It's because I love you that I can't do this. You're breaking me in half, Jake. I can't even… you look like you've not eaten years. Have you seen yourself?"

Edward nods his head at the mirror and Jacob huffs before looking over. When he sees himself, he whines and looks up at Edward's reflection. Seeing Edward like this, his arms around his middle, his face twisted in desperation, Jacob crumples into the floor, phasing back and crying hard into the tiles.

Edward falls to his knees, picking Jacob up, holding him tight. Jacob pulls at Edward's shirt, fistfuls in his hands.

iI don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm sorry. Edward, I'm so sorry./i

Edward hushes him, holding him even tighter and kissing his head. Jacob is repeating isorry/i in his head like a broken record and Edward can feel Jacob dying already.


	2. Chapter 2

Edward is repeating iI love you/i against Jacob's neck, apologizing, begging the silent room for one more minute. He can't stop replaying the last moment in his head and it's killing him.

He closes his eyes tight to hold on to Jacob in his memories. Seeing Jacob huddled up in bed, covers thrown off from the fever that had taken him over. His temperature was well above what any could live through, even a wolf. His skin was like wet fire, sweat pouring off him and all Edward could do was hold him, letting his own icy skin attempt to bring Jacob back to normalcy.

"Connecting…," Jacob mumbles and Edward makes a noise, inquiring. "We haven't connected in a while." Jacob's voice is barely an echo of a whisper.

Edward shuts his eyes tight, breathing in and rubbing Jacob's back. "You always think of sex, Jacob. Like you could do anything in…" He nearly says 'your condition' but bites his tongue. He doesn't even want to acknowledge Jacob is dying; he'll cling to hope as long as he can.

Jacob shifts in Edward's arms, smiling when he meet's his face. "I miss being that close to you." Jacob lifts his hand slowly, tracing Edward's jaw before wincing and closing his eyes again.

Edward holds him tight, wishing that this alone could save him. Knowing that he would do it for decades, he'd never move, he'd hold him forever if it meant he wouldn't leave him.

But every story has an ending and Jacob met his sooner than even Edward knew he would.

---

Alice's voice is like the first bird in the early morning, breaking the silence Edward's sat in for hours. She kneels beside the bed, putting her small hand on Edward's arm.

"Edward… I… I saw it. We came as fast as we could… Edward…please."

Edward glares at her and then at Jasper. He feels the wave of calm hit him and he shoves it away. He holds Jacob tighter, spitting words at Alice, "Get out. iGet out!/i I don't want you here. This is mine. This moment is mine. Jake is istill mine/i, Alice. Get out."

Alice stood and nodded to Jasper — their own silent way of speaking — and Edward growled deep in his chest, challenging them to disturb anything. Jasper used every ounce of himself to calm Edward down and it was finally starting to have an effect.

Edward's arms started to go limp around Jacob's body, but still holding on as best as he could. He barely has a voice, the waves hitting him like concrete bricks. "Please… idon't make me let go/i. I can't let go of him. He's… he's… still mine…" Edward's voice drifted out and his arms finally fell.

Alice stifled a sob, her hand over her mouth. Jasper kept his head down and lifted Edward from the bed.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. iI'm so sorry./i"

He's not sure who said it and it didn't matter now anyway. Sorry couldn't fix this, sorry couldn't bring Jacob back, and sorry wasn't going to repair the hole in his chest.

---

Edward sits in a chair just inside the living room, what used to be itheir/i living room. His legs are crossed, arm propping his head up by the chin. He can't get over how quiet it is, how his favorite sounds are gone and he's left to sit here. Left to look back and never make another new memory.

He hears his name being called and he nods before getting up. He knows he can't stay here, Jacob's scent is everywhere, their scent litters every surface and trinket. He can see them in every worthless piece of furniture and when he shuts his eyes, he can still hear Jacob in the kitchen. He tries to smile, but he exhales like a bullet has hit him. Alice's arms wrap around him and he pushes her off.

"Don't. Just don't. I don't want anyone touching me. Not… not like he did."

Alice folds her arms and chokes back yet another sob, her small body shaking in fear or sorrow, he isn't sure. Jasper comes up behind her, kissing her head and glaring at Edward.

Jasper hits Edward with the waves of calm again and Edward is cursing him under his breath. Jasper frowns and speaks silently to Alice, "It's done. We can go."

Edward picks up the end table —itheir/i end table — and throws it at the wall. His breath ragged and his hair falling over his face, he growls, "Nothing is done. We're not going ianywhere/i."

Edward falls to his knees when Jasper hits him again with the waves and he's clawing at his chest to keep himself sane. "You don't understand.. you both don't understand.. please just let me have this. Let me have this pain.. idon't take it away/i from me. Please. iPlease./i"

Edward's voice echoes in the room and he's vaguely aware of Jasper carrying him outside. He closes his eyes and when he opens them he sees the small house and he's screaming things he doesn't understand.

Alice sits in the backseat with him and he lays his head on her lap. She runs her fingers through his hair and never says a word.

---

When they pull up to a house Edward doesn't recognize, he hears Carlisle and Esme and his eyes close tight. He doesn't know if he can face them, not yet. He knows they're worried, their thoughts give them away and he wants to scream at them to shut up. This is his pain, his to bear and his to wallow in.

"Can you get him, Jasper? He won't let go of me." Alice's voice is meek like a small mouse and he sits up when she moves under him.

Edward throws the car door open too hard and it falters on the hinges, falling to the ground. Alice stares at him and he looks away, walking toward the house, straight past Carlisle and Esme, and upstairs.

As he climbs the last step, Rosalie's arms are around him and he shoves her off him. She glowers at him and he drops his head to the side.

"Please don't.. just idon't/i, ok?" Edward's voice is wounded and Rosalie reacts to his tone immediately: her face twisting into a frown, her hands going to her throat.

Edward walks past her, finding a room he's sure was always reserved for him, sure that they always kept a room for him. Thinking of this tore Edward's chest open more; knowing that his family waited for this day and knowing that they had probably prepared for this even if it all seemed futile.

Edward slammed the door to the vacant room. It housing only a large couch and boxes of books and albums that Edward hadn't ever sent for. Everything was screaming Jacob and he started to throw the boxes into corners, throwing sheets from the couch over them. He looked down at the couch and fell to the floor.

Rosalie followed him and when she heard the crashing inside his room she hugged herself firmly, her eyes blinking when she heard the couch being ripped to pieces. She walked to the door and put her hand to the knotted wood.

"I love you, Edward."

Edward stopped for a moment until he heard her leave and finished his destruction. He was intent on making everything around him a mirror of himself. His own broken heart reflected in scraps of wood and fabric.

---

Rosalie's knock on his door broke him out of thought and he hissed at her when she came in without his permission.

"Edward.. I.."

Edward glared at her and his voice boomed against the stale air, "Get out, Rosalie. I don't have the patience for you."

Rosalie got to her knees, sitting in front of him and reaching out to stroke his cheek. Edward winced under her and a growl erupted from his chest.

She stood again walking out of his room but stopped at the door looking back at him, pursing her lips as she spoke, "I lost him too, Edward. He was my friend too."

Edward was on his feet and had her pinned against the wall in a second. "Don't try to level your pain with mine, Rosalie. There is not a chance in ihell/i that this hurts you any where inear/i as much as it hurts me. iI loved him./i He was mine. What was he to you? A mistake when you had your whoring phase?" Rosalie gasps at this. Edward's mouth turns up slightly, but full of anger. "Don't think I don't know."

Rosalie shoves him back and slaps his face. His face remained turned for moment before focusing back on her and seeing the rage in her eyes. "You're pathetic, Edward! You're so fucking selfish and you still haven't learned that what you say iactually hurts people/i. I loved him too. He was my friend. You act like you're the only one that cared for him and you're wrong. We all did. We all feel like we lost a family member, Edward. Stop acting like such a brat."

Edward turned from her, then back when her thoughts screamed curses at him. "You don't get it, Rosalie." He laughs and isn't sure why, this isn't amusing but it's all he can do to keep from crumbling. "Emmett will never die, you'll never have to sit by his bed and hold his hand until his last breath leaves his lips. You'll never have to tip-toe around when he's ifinally/i resting for the first time in days. You'll never have to feed him and bathe him because he can't do it himself. iHe'll never leave you, Rosalie./i So you can't possibly understand any of this. And by trying to, you trivialize ieverything/i that Jake meant to me and ieverything/i that we ever were."

Rosalie chokes on her words, opening her mouth to speak but holding her throat instead. Edward turns away from her again and hisses, "You'll never love someone that can leave you, whether by choice or death. So, don't talk to me about relating. You sound like a child."

Rosalie's arms wrap around herself, something that makes Edward wince. She turns to leave, casting one last glance over her shoulder to Edward before closing the door behind her.

---

It's been years and they've moved to a new address, a new life and nothing has changed. Edward's new room is exactly the same as his old one: boxes with sheets on them, lights kept off, no furniture or bed to rest on. Everyone has come to accept his behavior and doesn't disturb him.

Edward barely hunts, only when he's writhing in pain and hunger does he attempt to. Emmett took him out on his first hunts after he'd returned home but grew irritated at Edward's lack of enthusiasm. Edward started to hunt alone when he saw the pain in Emmett's face over his new way of existing.

His days and nights were spent leaning against a wall, Jacob's memories replaying in his head, theirs and his. He'd laugh at times, remembering things that Jacob has said, or moments when they'd laughed so hard they couldn't breathe. And his face would fall when he'd see their fights, their talks late into the night about forever.

iForever./i

Edward hated this word now. Something he had and Jacob never had a chance of. It stung his chest, ripping it open and feeling as if air was rushing through it

iForever./i

Something he'd now have alone, only memories and assorted keepsakes to keep him company. His voice barely functioned, so many months without really saying anything aloud. But it is five years today. Today. And he speaks quietly, hoping no one hears him. But also hoping one person does.

"I love you Jake, you're still mine. iStill mine/i."


End file.
